The Lord's Grace

Christian Humor

Noah's Problems
3 May 2000

     And the lord spoke to Noah and said,  "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.  But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet.  You are commanded to build an Ark."

     And in a flash of lightening,  He delivered the specifications for the Ark.

     "Okay,"  said Noah, nervously fumbling with the blueprints.  "Six months, and it starts to rain,"  directed the Lord.  "Please have the Ark completed, or all will be swimming for a very long time."

     Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall.  The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping and there was no Ark.

     "Noah,"  said the Lord.  "Where is the Ark?"

     "Lord, please forgive me!"  begged Noah.  "I did my best, but there were big problems.  First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction process, and your plans didn't meet code.  I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans.

     Then I got in a big fight over whether the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.  Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard.  I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission.

     Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.  I had to convince the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Commission that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch the owls, so, no owls.

     The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.  I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.  Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, but no owls.

     Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

     Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood plan.  They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.  Then the army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe.

     Right now I'm trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.

     The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country.  In addition, I just got notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

     I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years,"  Noah wailed.

     The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.  Noah looked up and smiled.  "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?"  he asked hopefully.

     "No,"  said the Lord sadly.  "The government already has."

Author unknown

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