The Lord's Grace

Christian Humor

Kids -- Real Short Stories

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     A little boy was in a relative's wedding.  As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.  While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.  So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.  As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.  The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.  When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

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     A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.  Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking,  "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus?  The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

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     My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,   "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
     I mentally polished my halo while I asked,  "No, how are we alike?"
     "You're both old,"  he replied.

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     Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church.  Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.  Finally, his big sister had enough.  "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
     "Why?  Who's going to stop me?"  Joel asked.
     Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,  "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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     The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.  Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
     After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,  "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

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     A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,  "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
     One bright little girl replied,  "Because people are sleeping,"

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     A little boy was overheard praying:  "Lord, if you can't make me a better
 boy, don't worry about it.  I'm having a real good time like I am."

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     And one particular four-year old prayed,  "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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     One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.  The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.  Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation,  "Pray for me!  Pray for me!"

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     I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer.  For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.  Finally, she decided to go solo.  I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
     "Lead us not into temptation,"  she prayed,  "but deliver us some E-mail.  Amen."

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     A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.  They were ready to discuss the last one.  The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
     Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,  "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

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     A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother,"  she asked  "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
     Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,  "Thou shall not kill."

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     A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.  She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.  As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
     The girl replied,  "I'm drawing God."
     The teacher paused and said,  "But no one knows what God looks like."
     Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,  "They will in a minute."

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     A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"  After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said,  "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?
     "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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     Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.  "Why do you do that, mommy?"  he asked.
     "To make myself beautiful,"  said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
     "What's the matter?"  asked Little Johnny.  "Giving up?"

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     A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.  She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.  So she asked her class,  "Where is Jesus today?"
     Steven raised his hand and said,  "He's in heaven."
     Mary was called on and answered,  "He's in my heart."
     Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,  "I know!  I know!  He's in our bathroom!"
     The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.  The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.  Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
     Little Johnny said,  "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,  "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

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     The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.  She called on him and said,  "Johnny!  What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
     Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

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     At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.  Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
     Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
     Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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     Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.  One of the youngsters
pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
     "Yes,"  said the policeman.  "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
     Little Johnny asked,  "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Authors unknown

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